Breakups can take many forms.
All are painful, all have their very own unique story and all bookmark moments in our lives. Scientists and psychologists have put many hours into researching the types of relationship breakups and have come up with a pain and trauma scale.
Now don’t get me wrong, one type of breakup doesn’t trump the others as it were.
They all hurt like a bitch and we all process them in different ways and in our own time frame.
But it’s a bit like a broken leg. Is it a hairline fracture? A clean break or a compound fracture threatening our femoral artery? You know, levels.
We can’t sort out a treatment plan until we assess which category we fall into. So, let’s get started. Here are seven different types of breakups ranked by the shortest recovery time to the longest recovery time.
Number Seven, the mutual breakup.
This is as peaceful a breakup as you can have. Like when the entire family agrees that it’s time to pull the plug on grandpa’s respirator. He’s freed of his misery and the family feel a sense of relief. It’s undeniably sad but there’s also a peace and freedom that comes with it. It’s almost like acceptance that it was over was reached by both of you within the relationship and you grieved little bit by little bit before you reached the talk. As far as breakups go, and not to diminish it in any way, this is the unicorn of breakups.
Respectful, peaceful and gentle in its ending. That doesn’t mean it’s pain-free. Nobody gets out of this alive. There will still be a hole where this person was in your life. You’ll need to adjust your schedules, how you structure your days, and often in this situation, you need to manage the disappointment of others around you, family and friends, who perhaps didn’t see the ending as clearly as you did. Your treatment plan involves loads of self-love and gentleness.
Time to reflect on the good and the bad and extract the lessons. You will be able to start your rehab a lot quicker than most of the patients to follow, as you are probably in a more stable position emotionally. This doesn’t mean charging forward like nothing has happened and shortchanging yourself the opportunity to take the lessons and pour into your own cup after the breakup. Nor does it mean jumping on Tinder and throwing yourself under the first available stud as a distraction. You’ve still got to feel it to heal it. Slow and steady, rest when you need to, chat to your girlfriends and indulge in some self-care.
When you’ve fallen back in love with yourself, you can dip your toe back in the dating pool. But for now, just be.
Number six, the circumstantial breakup.
A cousin of the mutual breakup, the circumstantial breakup occurs when the environment around you won’t permit the relationship to continue. That could be distance, either one of you are going to be moving away for work, family or ex-partners could have had a hand in the downfall of the relationship and the outside pressure is just too much. Differences in culture and religion, changes in custody arrangements make things logistically impossible, the list goes on.
Here, recovery time is shortened pretty much because the break-up is about external factors and in the cases of moving away, you probably were already prepared for that or had some practice in large chunks of time without your squeeze, so you’re halfway to processing life without them. This type of break-up doesn’t hit where it hurts, our ego, because we haven’t had someone list off all the reasons as to why they don’t want to be with us and all our faults or unattractive qualities. It doesn’t come pain-free. You love this person and they love you, but it could be that old cliché, right person, wrong time. You may be thinking that the circumstances may change in the future, an issue can be worked on or resolved because there’s so much good here.
You could be right, but for now, and as harsh as this is, you are presented with the reality that you two have parted ways and that is what the medical team will be dealing with at this point in time. Your medical advice is to keep it classy, end things with grace, and start thinking about your new life and how it looks. It’s all about you. Sure, there may very well be a chance to rekindle in the future, but waiting around for weeks, months, or years until the path clears is certainly not the way to go.
Number Five, the ultimatum breakup.
You know the one? Do this or else. Usually born out of pure frustration, the most common ultimatum leading up to a breakup is, ask me to marry you by the end of the year or I’m out of here. Or commit to having a child with me is another one. It could be change your religion or this has no legs or even get rid of that stupid money pit sports car. The great news with this type of break up is that if it was you who issued the ultimatum, good for you. You have a standard, you established a boundary and stuck to it by walking away from a non-negotiable. If it was something that you weren’t prepared to do and your partner walked away, it’s a hint that maybe your values weren’t aligned and you have probably saved each other loads of time.
Now, ultimatum breakups can be tough to get over because it’s annoying that on the surface a little compromise could have prevented it. But once it’s over, that pressure from the stalemate you’ve reached in the relationship is gone. So it’s actually kind of a relief. There is also a huge growth opportunity in this. You’re not quite ready for that yet, but trust me, there is gold to uncover. I’ll get to it.
Number Four, the someone said something breakup.
I once met a guy who was clearly smarting from a breakup at his instigation after he overheard a conversation between his partner and her friend unintentionally. He was about to, in his words, drop the knee, and after arriving home earlier than expected one night he heard his future fiance say, oh it’s any minute now, the diamond had better be upwards of two carats, he’s punching above his weight so it’s nothing less than I deserve. Now while she was clearly showing off and the comment was probably in jest, he told me that after she’d said that he couldn’t think of her in the same way anymore. In fact, it put a figurative X over her image in his eyes. They eventually broke up and this conversation was the springboard.
With this one, if you were the one who was responsible for the word vomit and was subsequently dumped, you will most likely be kicking yourself. And if you were the one who did the dumping, you were probably filled with anger and disbelief. You might be devising a plan to undo the damage or even create an opportunity to work your confirmation bias that this person really didn’t mean it and that you had it wrong. You’ll just need to sit tight for now and work your steps. Forensics will come later in the process but for now we’re dealing with a breakup so let’s not jump the gun.
Number Three, the I’ve been cheating breakup.
Now I bet you thought this would come in at number one right? I mean could there be anything worse than discovering that your partner has been cheating either physically or emotionally. You’d be exactly right and that is the ultimate betrayal.
But in many cases, the act itself isn’t the problem. It’s the underlying causes that led to that act. There are also many levels of cheating. Was it a kiss? Was it a bonk when he was blackout drunk with his mates that he instantly regretted? Was it an online conversation? And also, where did your values and moral standards sit? For some, an emotional connection that has never played out physically but clearly has feelings involved is a bigger betrayal than a one-night stand. Cheating you see, is on a curve.
Now in terms of recovery, there’s a lot of rehab needed to be sure. stupid, you envisage the cheating in your head and most likely are outraged. Your ego has taken a massive hit here. The upside, I know, WTF, there’s an upside, is that once you work out where this axe sits on your moral standards totem pole, you can take your axe and slap on the label of lying, douchebag. Painful as hell, but all wrapped up in a nice little bow. Nobody you divulge this information to is likely to disagree with you and support will be forthcoming. The ego is also helping you purge your emotions quickly here as it flicks into overdrive to help you survive the threat. Rage, indignation, crying, it’s all necessary and I’m not going to lie, it’s going to suck.
But your path forward from this point is crystal clear. You know who they are and your journey forward is about healing you.
Number Two, the first love breakup.
Ah, the first love. We will never forget it, will we? But it may surprise you to know that the first love breakup is actually one of the toughest to overcome. This breakup teaches us that the world is a bigger place than we thought. Now let’s think about it.
We are born and we attach to our parents whose love and approval is the centre of our universe. As we morph into our pre-teens, we want to experience peer bonding. And we as mammals are all programmed to do that. So cue the first flushes of puppy love, the shy hand-holding, the cute movie dates, and perhaps our first sexual experience and the whole chemical Molotov cocktail that that particular act entails. Then it ends. I think we as adults tend to brush off that first heartbreak with a wise knowing and let’s face it a little bit condescending wry smile. Ah yes young grasshopper we all go through it and you’ll get over it. I’d just like to point something out here. When our first love ends we hav’ absolutely zero experience with this feeling of pain and loss and probably as our brains don’t fully mature until age 30, a complete lack of ability to process what’s happening.
It’s kind of like watching a toddler having a meltdown and telling them to gro’ up. It’s also very much linked to the realisation that our secure little bubble of childhood is bursting, and this thing called life will kick our butts. The loss of innocence, if you will. It’s a huge thing to process and it’s often diminished by people around us as a rite of passage and I put that in air quotes. If this is you we know it’s a lot and this is hell for you right now. Your feelings are valid and without sounding like a condescending dick this too shall pass. Not today though and that’s okay. You have a free pass to play this bit of the podcast to the adults who try to diminish your experience, tell you to get over it, or worse, make it about them with the line, oh yes, when I had my first heartbreak. To those adults I say, you’re not helping. Have some compassion and guide your young grasshopper through this with love, patience and understanding.
Coming in at number One, the blind side.
Okay, so this one comes in at number one for a very good reason. A breakup that comes completely out of nowhere is absolutely a traumatic event. Your brain will register this on the same level as a car crash. A huge shock with some pretty massive ripple effects. The blind side may have been thinking about this for months or have concealed their intentions intentions and to the other person it seems like it’s sunshine lollipops and rainbows. You may have even had mind-blowing sex and connection in the days leading up to it and then out of nowhere, boom. It’s particularly brutal if you’ve been working towards something such as cohabitation or marriage, all of a sudden the entire trajectory of not only your closest relationship but also that of your entire life has been turned upside down in an instant.
This one can shake the foundations of even the strongest queens, or kings if I’m talking to you. Not only are you dealing with sadness and rejection, you’re also dealing with the trauma of the way it ended, disbelief, shock and fear, and other things such as intrusive thoughts, nightmares, numbness and disassociation, panic attacks and even agoraphobia, which is a fear of leaving the house in some cases. There is a fair chance that if this was your type of break-up, there will be a hell of a lot of trauma processing to do before you can even get to the root cause of the break-up or look at it objectively. Blind sides chip away at your ability to trust.
If someone can break up with you when things seem to be going well, you’ll have a tough time avoiding paranoia and trusting new partners. You’ll also question your judgement in probably every other area of your life. I mean, if you didn’t see this coming, how close are your friendships? How secure are you in your job? Do you even know who you are anymore? In addition, because it’s so out of the blue, you may see a lot of emotions from people close to you as they try to process the shock. In my own experience, no less than six people broke down and sobbed, felt physically ill, refused to believe it was happening or swore very passionately when I told them the news.
I’m not going to sugar coat it, it’s going to be a lot and I’m here to tell you that your feelings are very valid and there is no shame in reaching out for professional help. Not because you’re crazy or weak, but because you are a very kind person reacting and trying to cope with a very unkind situation. In my coaching practice, I’ve seen the effects of the blindside breakup first hand. There is shock and trauma to process before we can even start grieving the breakup.
Which category do you fall into?
Big Squishy Hugs
Louise xo