This one hit me right between the eyes…..
After a breakup its so very common for our brains to try to make sense of what just happened. We try to intellectualise our way out of the pain and so we find ourselves delving into psychology and relational advice on the internet to try to find a binary answer.
We note that there are some markers in our ex partner for narcissism. Maybe some bipolar tendencies and we fall down the rabbit hole of attachment styles
We become armchair psychologists and come up with a diagnosis….
The conclusion we reach after some thorough Tik Tok research is they are a vulnerable narcissist with an avoidant attachment style stemming from childhood trauma.
We go back over our interactions and find the scenarios that back up our theory- “See?!” you scream pointing to a blackboard that looks like a scene out of a beautiful mind while holding anyone that is in close proximity hostage while you present you case…..
“THIS was FLAT OUT narcissism!”
“If we observe the timeline you will see his avoidant tendencies started when he lost his beloved pet Fluffy at age 7 and was not validated in his feelings. He then lost trust in people and rejects true love and affection based on these events”
Ok so maybe you didn’t conduct a loungeroom PowerPoint presentation with your friends and family but you get my point…..
Now – armed with this knowledge and validation from your besties that YES he is all of these things I know what you want to do next…..
Your fingers are itching- your words are tumbling around in your brain…… your phone is in your hands……
And you think that one carefully worded (and if you’re like me exceptionally long and detailed) paragraph on all the things you have discovered about their behaviour and how to fix it will somehow give them a lightbulb moment……
The storm clouds will clear
The lightbulb goes off
They skip happily down the path to therapy
And eventually heal and return the person you always knew they had the potential to be……..
I love a good fairy tale don’t you?
Now I don’t mean to sound all bitter and twisted here. Yes its true that some people do reach a point where they self reflect and recognise there are patterns and behaviours that they want to change. Sometimes there’s an epiphany and people commit to their growth.
Unfortunately though…. Its rare and its almost NEVER because someone else pointed it out. Going back to the fairy tale analogy you have about as much chance of prince charming rocking up in your driveway in a pumpkin coach pulled by rainbow farting unicorns as you do of them committing to change.
Growth you see is painful. Its messy and its confronting. There’s nothing quite like pulling out those traumas, events and patterns and dealing with them. It’s a lot of work- your significant other may even AGREE they need to do the work-but its possible that after a cost analysis your ex has decided the price is too high….. its much more comfortable to sit in their own shit. Yes- it reeks, its covered in flies and it repels people but there is some sort of familiarity and therefore comfort for staying there.
So the first piece of advice here is very simple to understand and very difficult for your generous little heart to accept…..
Sometimes you just need to leave people where they are.
Yes I know they hurt you very badly with their actions (and this was possibly completely unconscious and not calculated in any way). Yes they will as you predict hurt future romantic partners, family, friends and even their own children if they don’t change their behaviours.
You are 100% correct in this. And there is also 100% NOTHING you can do.
Now- if you have got this far into this piece its probably resonating but I am about to bitch slap you hard and ask you to have a good look at YOURSELF now.
Are you aware that some 700 words in….. the focus has been completely on your ex? And you’re still here looking for clues and justifications?
Here’s my point.
Material on narcissism, toxic behaviour, avoidant attachment styles and commitment phobia is in MEGA supply on the internet and in books right now. I should know- my bookshelf looks like the self help and relationships aisle at Barnes and Noble. Im certainly not blameless.
You can immerse yourself in literature about personality disorders for the rest of your days if you want to. Each time you discover a brand new nugget of information you can get that little hit of validation that the pain they caused you was their flaw and you are still a valuable person.
You can totally do that- and you can stay stuck for weeks months or years OR you can take on board this to consider…..
You’re still making it about them.
None of this is helping you heal. No armchair diagnosis will diminish what happened to you. It wont lessen your trauma. It wont move you forward. At best it will as I said give you a little hit of validation (that will diminish over time as you consume more content) and at worst can keep you focussed on a person who rejected and hurt you, set up a harmful cycle of rumination dissecting every aspect of your relationship that will lead to depression and anxiety, keep you in a trauma loop constantly replaying the past interactions or if you still have contact with your ex- pulling apart fresh interactions for signs of the disorder you KNOW they have.
Maybe you’re right. Maybe you’re a qualified psychiatrist and you’re DEFINITELY right….. and maybe it doesn’t matter a jot.
You see they may have diagnosable toxic behaviours. The only absolute here is that clinical diagnosis or no- it was toxic to YOU. You didn’t feel supported, loved or safe in your relationship. You were gutted by the ending. And in the interests of getting your broken heart put back together….. that’s all you can focus on and control if you want to heal from this point.
Pour love into yourself. Get curious about how YOU relate and learn about YOUR attachment styles and what YOU desire in a relationship. You owe it to yourself (and your future dream boat) to take the attention off your ex who didn’t show up properly and show up for yourself.
Much love and squishy hugs
Louise xo